Monday, October 10, 2011

Fearful? Or Fabulous?

   You know... this blog serves so many purposes for me. A form of expression, inspiration, and confession. All things a gal like me needs on the daily. So today I'd like to start my morning off by confessing something to you. For you are my accountability and secret confidant.

Last week I experienced something all too familiar. That creepy crawly feeling that starts in your gut as a heavy sinking stone, and some how settles in.. fluttering in your chest. It kept me wide awake for three days straight with an hour here and twenty minutes there of sleep.

I called out from work,
  couldn't find the interest to eat much
      and hardly moved at all from my bed.
I didn't even read any of the books I have checked out.
Didn't watch any t.v. shows on Hulu,
  and defiantly didn't clean
       or do any packing.

 I was depressed.

It is something that I have dealt with since I was little actually. Something that I have learned to recognize when I see it/feel it creeping in. And there still isn't much I can do about it even then. Except... lay there.
And send a rather spastic text to one of my sisters at 3am{of course}

I have been so freaked out about my move to New York. But I couldn't pin point why? I have been extremely lucky! If anything this is the least stressful way to be making the move.
I've found a roommate who is a good person. Someone trust worthy. Someone who my sister loves to bits and pieces.

I've found through him, an amazing and affordable apartment. I have the master bedroom, two cats to love on, and the promise of wine when I arrive.

I'll have the security of having a job when I arrive. One that I can start working at and hit the ground running making fast cash, and connections.

I've been reassured that this wonder man roommie -o- mine will pick me up from the airport and help me move my things into the apartment when we arrive{and by "we" I mean mamba and I}.

I've been blessed with a talented sisterfriend that will probably move in several months later and therefor make rent even cheaper {yay!} and bask in the NYC badassness. We'll start a new era of awesome together.

I have friends who I know I will stay in close close contact with when I leave, and family who promise to visit.

I mean really... what am I freaking out for? Why so glum? I'm certainly thankful, and grateful for everyone who has helped and the support I've been given along the way.

 I think the truth is, I can give you all kinds of reasons and list them like I did above for why I have suffered from depression. But I feel like it is rather common thing to go through no? I know I certainly have talked my other family members through it. Friends too, that have called and had their butts glued to their sofas, beds, or chilly bathroom floors.

But isn't it it something that we can feel all emotions so deeply? It isn't the best feeling no...but it did serve it's purpose as a warning. Something wasn't ...right. Something about this makes me squeamish. Nervous. Anxious. Totally and completely freaked the fuck out.

I have shared my sisterfriends reply to my spastic text at 3am with a friend who said she would keep it to refer to in her own times of need, and so I thought I'd share it with you too. She wrote:

Oh bridgie that's all normal. It's like cold feet before a wedding. You should sell that car, it's begging you, the car is picking fights with you so you will break up with it because it can't break up with you. Stop calling out of work you need that extra cash...unless you used paid sick leave in that case good thinking and do it again! Have a yard sell this weekend!!!! Put up signs, sell everything you can, then weed out more stuff and do it all again next next weekend. Yard sales are fun! Bake cookies or muffins as well to sell and snack on. (I think pumpkin would be nice for the season change) Momba is going with you and shes your best friends right? You will love it when you get there you already know that! E stopped to say 'what the hell am I doing?' several times before he moved. Everyone gets panicky before a life changing event and this will change your life. (in amazing ways! Again, you already know that.)

Don't ever let fear stop you, its a goddamn sneaky little trick that you cannot fall for. I know and you know that you are stronger and smarter than fear. When you start to feel it creep in to destroy your day, weigh out the options; move to NY like I've always wanted or stay in AZ so I can keep my third grade art project? Look at it logically with no emotion, and it makes since to move. Then remember the exciting feelings you have about NY and fantasize about the life you will create for yourself once you get there. And finally put some music on and do the dirty work of moving/packing/selling and know that it bonds you to all you fellow new yorkers because they all went through the same exact thing!! I think I read the first line of this text in my sleep cause I had a dream about visiting you in NY. :)

Summon up woman strength, think of all the women throughout history who you admire and attack your problems with the same power. Think of all the times mom made decisions. Think of Uma Thurman in kill bill (I always think of her when I need woman strength) and then look at yourself and say that you know you have what it takes to do what you need to do.

And there you have it.
Some times when we can't pull our own selves up by our boot straps you just need a swift kick from someone elses' boot to get you back in motion.

Am I still nervous?
You BET.
But I'm continuing to move. To make progress packing, and purging myself of the old to make room for the new.
Am I still a little sad?
Yes. I am making a big change and with that purging {no matter how healthy} it's still loss. Letting go of childhood items, art projects, pictures, friends ect.. is always hard.
Am I still unsettled?
*sigh* Yes.
But I at least I now know that I am unsettled because this is the first big thing I have done I am ACTUALLY nervous about. I have made big moves before. Left friends behind. Started new more times then most. But none of that ever scared me before? Perhaps I felt like those times it would be more acceptable if I "failed". But this move feels more "make or break" then the other times I've gone on solo trips, or little adventures all on my own when others were plenty nervous for me!

Every time I do something like this I ask myself one question:
Best Case? Worst Case?
{which is really a two parter}
Best case: I love the city. I fall in love with the people, the art, the music the food..everything. And my restlessness is put to rest.
Worst case: It doesn't.
I don't know what I'd do after this. I don't know where I would go? I don't have that safety net plan in place. Other times when I have played this game I come up with a plan for my "worst case" and then I can put that fear out of my mind. Because I now had an exit plan if need be.

Sort of the way I tend to lay in bed in new apartments and think, "Ok if a robber comes into that window.. I'll go out That door... and if they come in that door, I'll block it with that, and hide over there".
But I don't have that. And I guess that's what makes this both scary and wonderful all at the same time for me.
So it's time to stop being so fearful, and start being more fabulous.



  1. You are amazing for sharing all this, and for being so honest with not just us, but yourself.

    I think that feeling sadness that deeply also means you're allowed to feel joy to the same depths, but that doesn't mean either one is easy. You're supposed to be nervous, but I'm so glad you're not letting that anxiety stop you for pursuing these dreams.

  2. Oh darling! My heart goes out to you! I know what it feels like to start over. I know you can do it! I know that you have that in you and you're ready. Thanks for being so honest with us. Hugs and prayers to you.