Thursday, February 11, 2010


With the door firmly shut at my side, like a vacuum it closes and shuts out all outside noise. I take in a deep breath and hear it echo all around me. Then, I hold perfectly still.... the silence the shhhhh sound of my breathing is amplified in the stillness of the car. This lingering moment of pure silence before you start the car, or passenger joins you continues to be my favorite part of any car ride. No matter how short the trip. I listen for it each time I get in the car. I take in the my first real breath. Not the same breath I was taking in before, shallow and undetectable. No this is noticeable. Purposefully noticeable. Breaking the first layer of sound into the space, and the whoooooosh sound replaces the silent fog with its low whisper of air being sucked into my lungs and held there.

I hold my breath in as I turn the keys and my car "Granny goose" roars, or rather grumbles to life. We make our way together in the silence. Not totally silence. The tires on the road make a comforting mmmmmmmm sound and I am lulled into a more thoughtful place, instead of rage full. My headlights leap forward trying to keep ahead of me as I make my way to the back of a local drug store, gas station, supermarket, strip mall, who cares, point is: dark place. I put goose in park and shut off my head lights. I settle into my surrounds and take notice of everything around. Green dumpster ahead. Leafs everywhere... crunchy... lifeless. An old take out bag is crumpled into a ball outside a dark damp door way. Proof of careless workers on break no doubt.
I look around one last time and thoughts swirl my head. Angry, mean, hateful thoughts. Blame. YOU! YOU did THIS! I close my eyes tightly because I know I'm about to cry. Not because I am sad, but because I am angry. I take in a loud gasp of air and make noise letting it out this time, finally shattering the silence in the car, "Pahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuughh" I feel more focused now so I start to try and remember the little things. That's what always matters in the end they say. And they, are right. Hands, a walk, an eye brow crease, a bead of sweat on the tip of his nose. But I can't remember any more the things I really really loved, like a the laugh, the tone in his voice, how he sang, or what his first words to me where. I'm pretty sure they were "hey..." but who can be sure.. ? I think about all the things I loved, all the times my heart skipped a beat as I turned the corner to walk out to my car in the mornings. "Would it be a note? no. Did I leave something he returned? no. Stop. There wont be anything. Why? Because you just don't get these things all the time. that's why. that is what makes it special, different." I would turn corner and then I would see it. Granny Goose covered. "He remembered. Of Course he remembered, I said it to him half knowing he was paying attention to detail since the moment we first spoke. "I love the flowers in the trees this time of year" I said. And he remembered. Now goose was covered in those flowers from "head" to "toe". "Again! he did this for me, again? Maybe then. Maybe I can expect it. And because he always does.. that's what makes him special, and that is what makes him different."

Knowing that everything I know. And not knowing all the things that in the end.... I don't really want to know. I remember again what was taken. It might seem obvious to some people who it was. But look closer... look... deeper. Look past everything. Let the dust settle and look with pure eyes. You'll see who it was. They know it was too. You know it was. They know you know... and so on and so forth. Anger billows up inside me again and I feel like a two year old on the brink of a massive fit. Feet stamping in the ground, flung on the floor, fists pounding, legs squirming and both writhing about.. it builds. Like a deep rumble from a dark canyon it rises to the top. This is why I got into the car. This is why the silence is so key. this is why I have to remember, make myself remember so I don't ever never ever forget. This is why the in the dark is where we hide. This is what I think about doing, wish I could do. I close my eyes, and grip the steering wheel. and I scream. ripping the silence from before from the place around me where it sat so comforting before, and shreds it. I scream until all my my breath is out of my lungs, throat and individual cells that make up my very body. I squint my eyes shut to help push out the sound that is the exact match to my insides. I scream incoherent words, and thoughts, and what might seem like random gibberish. But it is important. it is all important. I gasp for air. the screaming stops. and the silence falls again. and I take in another shallow breath, as not to disturb the fallen silence all around.

1 comment:

  1. Sweet dear one.
    I'm always here...always with you.