Okay

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 I am channelling the Phoebs these days. I need some super woman powers, and some general badassness.
As explained to a bestie in Chico, Cali early this morning via longest email of my life, I have been acting a little like "old Burns" and New Burns... Beyonce Burns.. should never act in such a way!

For awhile I thought I may have found my lobster. If not my lobster then certainly someone to pal around with and hold claws..

...you know..lobsters. Yep talking about Diamond Back. He sorta pulled the rug out from under me this weekend and started to retreat out of fear of being hurt. Lame. I mean yeah ok fine. I get it.. but still... we all have our "things" don't we?...

Thankfully I am not trapped in a box {yet anyway} and haven't thrown anyones' leg in a fire {Thank God for that}. But I still though that we were both  going in knowing that we liked each other and knowing that I was leaving... and knowing that I was leaving=knowing that we would be getting a little hurt in the process. Not in a malicious way mind you.. just in a way you do when someone you care about moves away duh.

 I am of the "Better to have loved at all.." way of thinking.

And I guess he is more of the "Better safe then sorry.." way of life.

I respect it, and I understand it. I just don't agree with it.  

I fall in love easy, and I can fall slowly or quickly. I love with my entire heart and my entire self, and I feel more empowered, more healthy, and happier for it. Even if I lose it.

My sister pointed out to me that I am a lucky and rare person who can love like that. And that when I get hurt and can feel that heart break, it means that I cared for someone.. and that's never a mistake to show someone love, devotion, trust, or any other of those fab relationship goodies.

Friends tell me I make peoples lives better by being in them, and that they see all I do, and how important it is to me to cultivate all of my relationships, and how special that it is that I take the time do do that...

I am not sure where I now stand. He isn't really admitting to the fact that he is pulling back.. perhaps he doesn't even see he is doing it? But I can defiantly feel a "shift", and so I am backing way off.

"Carrie voice-over (the next morning, after Big woke up feeling like his normal self again):

 It was a shift imperceptible to anyone but me. But I knew, Big’s heart had closed again. Maybe it would reopen in another five years, maybe it wouldn’t. But I knew myself well enough to know that that’s not enough. For the first time all week, I didn’t feel like crying. Life’s too short."

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Getting a for sure answer out of this guy was like a magic show pulling rabbit after rabbit out of a trick hat.

Each time he made any kind of sentence it was followed up with an, "but i mean hey.. who knows, lets be real here.." and then he would completely contradict what he had just said. He fell asleep and I was left scratching me head thinking WHAT the WHAT?

Feeling rejected, a little foolish, and just plain old sad. I slunked away to the bathroom to have a good old fashion cry. because I'm a chick. An emotional chick. And because this feeling made me flash back to one of the worst relationships I have ever been in, and the fact that I was feeling that again with someone I sorta just trusted of the bat because of the brothers friend factor.. did not feel good. Not good at all.

 But this too is a part of being open, sometimes being open means getting hurt and hiding mascara stained tissues in the kitchen trash. It just does.

In other odd news:

Mr.X (yeah I know, roll the eyes all you want lol)

In back and forth texts today he drops this:

Me: you def owe me a beer... you have some esplainin to do..

Mr. X: HAhaha I know! Shit I'm so sorry. We will soon. Next week? I'll fill you in on my lady and the baby {Mr. X} mishaps lol!

Me: I'm sorry... what's that now? Make it two beers sir.

What train of thought Do You Have??

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Fall in New York is beautiful.. or so I am told.

But I am no fool and I looked up the average temps for the months to come.. and Imma be freezing~!!!!

 I love Jens boots and her entire look here.. -the glasses.. I'm no celeb. So I have no reason to be in shades on a dark dank winter day.

So far I can not find her pair but I liked these:

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I have decided to wear a new sweater I bought over a pair of long johns yes.. and colorful long tank top, and long sleeve black top, with colorful scarf, jeans and these boots to NYC when I first arrive.. thoughts?

Besides how DUMB my face is in this picture? I seriously thought about cutting off my head in the photo. But honesty is the best policy lol. I originally took the picture to send to my sister for a YAY or NAY vote on it from the dressing room.. not for the blog world.. to be fair I mean.

These boots?

 I love them! Don't you!?

So this weekend I am house sitting for a different coworker and her two small pets. Which means Ill be leaving my darling and feisty mamba cat home in the evenings :/

I wish she had more room to play and be crazy. Did you know that people actually have homes made for their pets??

cat house.

     LOVE it

This house also has an area for their dogs!

What do you think?

Crazy Cat/dog lady? Or BEST IDEA EVER!?